Grief can come in many forms. When most of us hear the word grief we think of the sadness that occurs around the loss of a loved one. Although this grief occurs when this loss is physical as in the loss of a loved one’s life, it also occurs when there is loss in the form of a change in a relationship such as a divorce, breakup, or even when work schedules change. Family structural changes such as a child moving out or even a positive change such as the addition of a baby or new child also can cause various emotions that need attention and processing. A sense of loss that triggers the grief process can occur when anything occurs that brings change; we have to let go of the familiar and adjust to something new. Even exciting, desired changes such as a sought after promotion can trigger feelings of loss and grief over what was known and familiar.
The textbook stages of grief are very helpful in understanding what is occurring after a change or loss especially the loss after a loved one dies. The stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These do not typically progress in an exact, predictable order; rather the person in grief may move back and forth between any or all of them.
Denial or shock is often the initial response, “I can’t believe they’re gone,” “I can’t believe this happened,”the event seems unreal and can hit afresh over and over. This stage can be like awakening to a nightmare , but then realizing this is not a dream.
The angry phase incorporates thoughts and feelings of “this is unfair,””why did this happen?”, “why, me?” Many people also find themselves angry at God and asking questions that disturb themselves such as “Why did you allow this?” These questions are normal and will pass with time, and rather than feeling guilty and avoiding God, it is healthy to engage with Him and ask Him your questions. He can handle it!
Bargaining is the replaying of the circumstances of the loss and is often mentally tortuous. It is the “if only” stage. “If only, we had driven a different route,” “If only, we had gotten to the doctor sooner,” “If only I had said this,” or “I wish I hadn’t done that.” The bargaining stage is the person’s effort to make sense of the loss and to counter the feelings of powerlessness.
The stage of depression often kicks in when the loss is realized as final and unchangeable. It can be a sense of hopelessness and profound sadness. When a loved one dies suddenly or at a young age, loss and sadness occur over all of what was anticipated for the person’s future. “They’ll never know their grandchildren,” “They never got a chance to get married.”
Acceptance starts to move in as the grieving person processes all the various feelings and begins to heal. Life can be envisioned as moving on without the loved one and hope emerges that life can even be fulfilling and enjoyable again. Although sadness and the other stages still may appear, joy begins to return and the grieving person reengages with life and even new activities.
One symptom of grief that is not included in these traditional stages but seems to be synonymous with grief is profound tiredness and lack of energy. The grieving person often has a physical heaviness “my heart is heavy” and may struggle to find the energy to complete even simple tasks or activities.
If you find yourself in a period of loss, it is important to pay some attention to what you are going through. Turn to trusted friends rather than isolating, take care of yourself with good body care – nutrition, exercise and proper sleep. Writing or journaling about what you are going through can also be helpful. If the feelings are overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek professional help or find a grief support group.