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This week our nation experienced two random shootings  in less than 5 days.  One of them took place at a mall closeby here in the Portland area.  Many people have been deeply impacted by these events whether or not they were close by and they knew the victims or family/friends of the victims.  Hearing about these tragedies seems to elicit the response of shock, disbelief, sadness, depression, confusion and anger.  Places that previously seemed safe; malls or elementary schools, now are places to be on alert.  All of us lost something this week, for some the losses are unimaginable.   Questions arise as to how this could happen, authorities search for explanations or motives.  But in the end, no answer will prove to be satisfactory.  Many people  return to their system of faith to seek comfort and answers at times like these.

Statistics tell us that around 60% of us over the course of our lifetime will witness some kind of ‘potentially traumatizing event’.  Of those 60% less than 10% will develop post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).  The range of symptoms early on after a tragedy vary greatly.  Some are highly affected experiencing  emotional symptoms such as anxiety, dread, confusion, and anger. Bodily symptoms such as rapid heart rate, insomnia, GI disturbances etc can also occur.  Others may appear calm and detached or go numb.  Each person will process the event differently, but it is important that they do process it. Reaching out to trusted family or friends rather than isolating and engaging in common sense body care (eating, sleeping, exercising) are good choices.  Seeking professional help early on can be very helpful in getting through a trauma.   EMDR can be helpful in the early days surrounding a trauma in facilitating the brain’s processing and self healing mechanisms.

For those who lost loved ones, the grief process will endure.  For others who may have witnessed the trauma, most will naturally process it and return to pre- trauma levels of functioning in 1-3 months.  Those who continue to have symptoms after that time frame should seek professional help.  EMDR has significant research accumulated in showing it’s powerful impact in helping the brain process a traumatic event.  If you are struggling this week and need help, please do reach out to someone.

It’s that time of year when most are busier than usual shopping, baking, wrapping, or decorating.  Make sure to take time this year to reflect on what Christmas is really about.  This year I have been more captivated by the theme of light entering into darkness.  John 1:9 in speaking about Christ says,” the true light, which enlightens everyone, was coming into the world”.  Where is there darkness in your life?  It may be in turning on the news or radio, or you may feel it in certain significant relationships, or it may even be in your own heart in the form of brokenness, grief,  anxiety, or depression.  Wherever the darkness is, the message of Christmas is a Savior who is the light of the world has entered into the darkness of our world to illuminate it and bring us hope, peace and joy.  That is good news!

“Behold, I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people.  For unto you, is born this day in the city of  David A Savior who is Christ the Lord.”  Luke 2:10-11

Anger is a universal emotion, but also quite misunderstood and problematic in relationships.  Anger in its most pure form serves a self protective function in allowing one to know that they are being violated in someway or something important to them is being violated.  An example of this would be having your phone stolen or watching a kid speak meanly to your child.  Your anger affirms “This is not right!”  Anger of this sort can motivate action to correct a wrong.

However this is not the type of anger that most commonly causes problems.  More often anger functions as a secondary emotion which means that it is layered on top of a more primary emotion.  Anger in this form is often covering up hurt or fearor even shame.   For example a husband comes home repeatedly late for dinner.  His wife lashes out angrily at him or gives him the cold (angry) shoulder.  He in turn defends himself by saying “You don’t appreciate how hard I work.”  The tone for the evening is set and it is not good.  What may really be going on is she is wondering how much of a priority she is to him (hurt) and also fearful about where he is and what may have happened to him.  She doesn’t feel comfortable with these vulnerable feelings within herself or in expressing them, so she expresses an angry statement or criticism.  He in turn also feels hurt or unappreciated that he is not welcomed warmly when he comes home, so he also responds angrily.   The relationship will benefit if both can learn to recognize when their anger is building and take a moment to wonder about what feeling may be underneath it.  Learning to express the underlying feeling will soften a relationship as those tender, vulnerable feelings are typically more well received.

Although the above example is basic it does illustrate starting points in anger management.  Each person needs to learn to recognize their own signals of anger and take responsibility for how that anger is expressed.   Ephesians 4:26 says “be angry, but do not sin, don’t let the sun go down on your anger”.  How can we learn to handle our anger more responsibly if it is a problem.  We can start with recognizing our own anger as it builds.   What does your body tell you when you’re angry?  The expression ” I’m seeing red” is used to express flaring anger.  It captures the heat or energy often experienced with anger.  A hot flushed face, tense shoulders, increased breathing and heart rate are signs that anger is reaching high levels.  If anger has been a problem for you, it is necessary to learn to pay attention to anger when it is at lower levels in your body.  Then taking some time to physically calm down and seeking to look at the situation and find the underlying emotion typically in the hurt, fear or even shame category will defuse the anger.  Expressing those softer feelings rather than anger will lead to much better outcomes in relationship.

If you find yourself repeatedly angry in a certain relationship, again there are probably other feelings underneath, but your anger can also be a sign that there is a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed.  Taking the time to look at anger and expressing it in responsible ways that build rather than destroy relationships is important for all!

Recently I read the book Quiet by Susan Cain.  It is subtitled  “The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking”.  I found this book fascinating and a book I wish had come out many years ago.  Author Susan Cain presents a highly readable,interesting and well researched book that affirms up to 1/3 to 1/2 of the population that are by nature introverts.  She writes of the difficulties many introverts feel in American culture where the outgoing, energetic, “salesman” personality is held up as the ideal.  She goes on to describe the unique assets introverts have to offer in being more analytical, observant and the benefits in working alone rather than in a group.

From the back cover:  “At least one third of the people we know are introverts.  They’re the ones who prefer listening to speaking, reading to partying;who innovate and create but dislike self-promotion; who favor working on their own over brainstorming in teams.  Although they’re often labeled “quiet,” it’s to introverts like Gandhi, Einstein and Rosa Parks that we owe many of the great contributions to society. ”

The book also contains sections on shyness, the sensitive personality, and how introverts and extroverts can best understand and relate to each other (since they often find themselves married to each other!)

I think this book can accomplish much in helping the introvert celebrate their uniqueness and gain self-acceptance , rather than wonder what is wrong with them.

I’ve recently been thinking about the nature of joy.  Joy is often differentiated from happiness as being independent of our circumstances.  Whereas happiness is something we feel when we are enjoying our day or things are going well, joy is a state that is available at any time.  This may feel foreign or impossible if you are going through a stage of grief, depression or relationship struggles.  I was once with a friend of mine who I would consider a very wise woman.  That particular morning as we prepared for a ministry activity, most everything that could go wrong was going wrong.  As she prayed prior to the start of the event, her statement in her prayer caught my attention.  She prayed “Lord , today we choose joy in spite of all that is happening”.   As I pondered that, I realized the wisdom there.  No matter what is happening we can be joyful.  It is a fruit of the Holy Spirit and we can choose to focus on the eternal gifts and truths that are ours in spite of our circumstances and through the exercise of thankfulness we can attain joy!

Here in Oregon spring is in full bloom with warm days, later sunsets, floral color all around and birds building nests and feeding their young.  The changing of seasons can remind us that life is constantly changing.  If you are personally experiencing a tough season of life, this is especially good news.  Marital struggles improve  as couples perservere in their commitment, depression lifts, and anxiety and worries pass.  An emotion is never permanent, intense emotions that in a moment may seem unbearable, rarely maintain their level of intensity more than a few moments.

Allow spring to encourage you with its newness.  Perservere in faith and hope , God is still at work and He hasn’t forgotten you!