Grief
Grief can come in many forms. When most of us hear the word grief we think of the sadness that occurs around the loss of a loved one. Although this grief occurs when this loss is physical as in the loss of a loved one’s life, it also occurs when there is loss in the form of a change in a relationship such as a divorce, breakup, or even when work schedules change. Family structural changes such as a child moving out or even a positive change such as the addition of a baby or new child also can cause various emotions that need attention and processing. A sense of loss that triggers the grief process can occur when anything occurs that brings change; we have to let go of the familiar and adjust to something new. Even exciting, desired changes such as a sought after promotion can trigger feelings of loss and grief over what was known and familiar.
The textbook stages of grief are very helpful in understanding what is occurring after a change or loss especially the loss after a loved one dies. The stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. These do not typically progress in an exact, predictable order; rather the person in grief may move back and forth between any or all of them.
Denial or shock is often the initial response, “I can’t believe they’re gone,” “I can’t believe this happened,”the event seems unreal and can hit afresh over and over. This stage can be like awakening to a nightmare , but then realizing this is not a dream.
The angry phase incorporates thoughts and feelings of “this is unfair,””why did this happen?”, “why, me?” Many people also find themselves angry at God and asking questions that disturb themselves such as “Why did you allow this?” These questions are normal and will pass with time, and rather than feeling guilty and avoiding God, it is healthy to engage with Him and ask Him your questions. He can handle it!
Bargaining is the replaying of the circumstances of the loss and is often mentally tortuous. It is the “if only” stage. “If only, we had driven a different route,” “If only, we had gotten to the doctor sooner,” “If only I had said this,” or “I wish I hadn’t done that.” The bargaining stage is the person’s effort to make sense of the loss and to counter the feelings of powerlessness.
The stage of depression often kicks in when the loss is realized as final and unchangeable. It can be a sense of hopelessness and profound sadness. When a loved one dies suddenly or at a young age, loss and sadness occur over all of what was anticipated for the person’s future. “They’ll never know their grandchildren,” “They never got a chance to get married.”
Acceptance starts to move in as the grieving person processes all the various feelings and begins to heal. Life can be envisioned as moving on without the loved one and hope emerges that life can even be fulfilling and enjoyable again. Although sadness and the other stages still may appear, joy begins to return and the grieving person reengages with life and even new activities.
One symptom of grief that is not included in these traditional stages but seems to be synonymous with grief is profound tiredness and lack of energy. The grieving person often has a physical heaviness “my heart is heavy” and may struggle to find the energy to complete even simple tasks or activities.
If you find yourself in a period of loss, it is important to pay some attention to what you are going through. Turn to trusted friends rather than isolating, take care of yourself with good body care – nutrition, exercise and proper sleep. Writing or journaling about what you are going through can also be helpful. If the feelings are overwhelming, don’t hesitate to seek professional help or find a grief support group.
EMDR – an article by the founder
Can You Benefit from EMDR Therapy?
By Francine Shapiro, Ph.D.
EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing) therapy has been declared an effective form of trauma treatment by a wide range of organizations. In the United States these include the American Psychiatric Association, the International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies, and the Departments of Defense and Veterans Affairs.
Those suffering from major traumas such as sexual or physical assault, combat experiences, accidents or the sudden death of a loved one can be diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) if certain symptoms exist. These include intrusive thoughts of the event; nightmares or flashbacks; avoidance of reminders of the incident and increased arousal, which can include problems such as sleep difficulties; angry outbursts; being easily startled or having difficulty concentrating.
Research has also indicated that medically unexplained physical symptoms, including fatigue, gastrointestinal problems and pain can also go along with this disorder. Anyone suffering from PTSD can benefit from EMDR therapy.
In order to be officially diagnosed with PTSD it is necessary to have experienced a major trauma. However, recent research has also revealed that other, less dramatic life experiences can cause even more symptoms of PTSD than major traumas. Many of these disturbing life experiences take place throughout childhood and can include hurtful experiences with parents or peers. The negative impact on the person’s sense of self takes place since, just as with diagnosed PTSD, “unprocessed memories” are running the show.
This happens because the experience was so disturbing that it disrupted the information processing system of the brain. One of the functions of this system is to take disturbing experiences to mental adaptation. So if something happens to us that is disturbing, the processing system “digests” the experience and the appropriate connections are made, while the reactions that are no longer useful — such as the negative self-talk, emotions and physical sensations — are let go.
However, if an experience is too disturbing, it disrupts the system, causing the memory to be stored with the negative emotions, physical sensations and beliefs. Current experiences must link with the memory networks in our brain to be interpreted. If there is an unprocessed memory, the negative emotions and sensations can emerge and color our perception of this current situation. In short, the past is present.
That’s where EMDR therapy can help. While EMDR cannot remove a problem caused by genetics or organic injury, the research indicates that even in these cases negative life experiences can exacerbate problems. When a person is held back from doing things he or she would like to do by feelings of insecurity, anxiety, fear, or unremitting sadness, or is pushed into doing things that are not useful — such as overreacting to people or situations — the reason can generally be found in the memory networks. Many times the problems are unprocessed memories from the past that are poisoning the present.
In my new book, Getting Past Your Past: Take Control of Your Life with Self-Help Techniques from EMDR Therapy, I provide numerous procedures that will allow the reader to identify the earlier memories that are at the root of their problems, and ways to change their emotions, physical sensations and negative thoughts. There are also techniques to help achieve desired goals in work and social relationships. These self-control techniques can make life more manageable, and understanding why we are doing things that don’t serve us can often help to bring things into perspective.
But if the techniques aren’t sufficient to give you a good feeling about your life, or you feel better for awhile but the old feelings continue to come back, then it would be useful to read the stories in the book that illustrate why different kinds of problems emerge, and decide if EMDR therapy would be a good choice for you.
Part of that evaluation involves taking stock of both your personal and professional relationships. Do you feel happy and fulfilled? Do you have a good support system? Or do you feel frustrated and troubled by disturbing thoughts and emotions?
Generally, there are three categories of negative feelings and beliefs that can emerge. These are the feelings of not being good enough, not being safe, or not being in control. If we often feel insecure, fearful or anxious — or notice that these feelings arise intensely in certain situations — we have the tendency to blame ourselves. Friends aren’t able to reassure us no matter how hard they try, because the problem is generally caused by the unprocessed memories associated with the negative emotions, physical sensations and beliefs.
Marriage Disintegration
“You know the honeymoon is pretty much over when you start to go out with the boys on Wednesday nights, and so does she.”
Once a year I see my doctor for an annual physical. Fortunately, the examination has always been routine because I have not had any medical problems. Regardless, my doctor always asks me a series of questions, such as do I have any chest discomfort or difficulty breathing, any digestion problems, have I gained or lost any weight, or do I have any difficulty with urination. Since I turned 50, the number of questions has increased. But regardless, a doctor is a diagnostician and he is looking for any symptoms that might lead to a diagnosis of a medical condition.
Of course, your doctor is often dependent upon you to tell him of any concerns that you may have. He will have a difficult time discovering an issue on his own without some clues from you.
Likewise, unless you are General Patreus and running the CIA, in a typical marriage, no one knows you better than your spouse. Of course we each have our own individuality. But a wife knows her husband’s favorite sweatshirt that he won’t throw out no matter what just like a husband knows her favorite restaurant.
Likewise, when a spouse begins to act differently than his normal pattern of behavior, this may be the beginning of very subtle symptoms of a problem. And like the common cold, the sneezing and runny nose may go away after a few days. But a symptom that persists and is left untreated rarely correct itself. To illustrate, a spouse who was always there to pick the kids up after soccer practice on his way home but is now working late every evening is sending a warning sign of a problem. This symptom, if left untreated, could spell problems for the marriage.
In conducting interviews with clients, I have listened to the “symptoms” often given for why one spouse wanted to leave the marriage. The following were the most common:
- “We were spending less and less time together.”
- “My life felt unfulfilled, there was so much more I wanted to do.”
- “I was feeling depressed or uptight when going home, or not looking forward to going home.”
- “We were having less fun when we were together, and time together has become more serious.”
- “He was very bossy and always had to be right.”
- “My opinion meant nothing!”
- “He had a drinking problem before we married which only got worse.”
- “He paid attention to everyone but me.”
- “As the years passed, it was evident that we wanted different things and had different needs so we grew further apart.”
- “She became emotionally and sexually involved with someone else.”
- “She was spending more money on “frivolous” unnecessary things and not caring to save for the future.”
- “His worked consumed him and there was no time left for me.”
- “Our marriage was never the same after we had kids.”
- “When we were arguing, we were verbally attacking each other rather than really listening to each other.”
- “I felt put down or taken for granted, or I was doing that to my spouse.”
- “There were increased periods of silence between me and my spouse.”
- “I had less and less sexual desire.”
- “We never seemed to have the money to do things we needed to do.”
- “I was making judgments alone or misreading what my spouse wanted to do.”
- “I was losing my own identity as an individual”
- “I became confused about where we were going and often talked about ‘I’ not ‘We.'”
When questioned further, many clients were able to offer specific signs or symptoms that something was different or changing in their relationship. Too often, when these symptoms are not addressed or left untreated, they result in irreparable harm to the marriage. As a result, divorce often becomes the only solution. But had these symptoms been recognized earlier, and treated, a marriage may have been saved.
If you or your spouse have any of the above symptoms, it is wise to seek treatment now.
New Year’s Resolutions
To resolve or not to resolve? Do you make New Year’s resolutions? Some people find resolutions or goals discouraging and a prescription for failure. Other find them motivating and welcome January as a time to make a new start and incorporate new habits into their lives. One thing that is certain is that it is important to at least occasionally, or better to regularly examine your life and evaluate how you are doing in various areas. This can be a self evaluation, one in prayer, or if you’re really brave ask someone who knows you well to give you some feedback.
Many January resolutions are centered around health and fitness changes, however character qualities are also a great focus. Would you like to be a more gentle person? Or more patient, or compassionate? Some people avoid the term goal and instead look for a theme for the year. “Health,” “Living in the Moment,” or ”Joyfulness,” are a few examples. Whatever approach you take, it is important that you remember change is a process that takes time but that is possible with regular attention and perseverance.
Happy 2013
Another New Year is here. Although January 1st, 2013 is just 24 hours past December 31st, 2012, somehow turning that calendar page represents much more. A new beginning, a fresh start , a time to evaluate. I was challenged in a Bible Study I attend at the beginning of this new year to both look back and to look forward. What were the highlights of 2012? What do you have to be thankful for? Can you practice being thankful in all things? How did you see God working in your life?
Then look ahead to the new year; what are your heart’s desires? In what areas would you like to see change or a different focus. Perhaps there’s a character quality you’d like to turn into habit- speaking positively about others, not complaining, cultivating thankfulness, listening more, or not reacting as much. Some families I know pick a theme for the year such as pursuing peace. And then there are the areas that are outside of our influence or control; these can be committed to prayer. Whatever your focus, jotting a few notes down helps keep some accountability and gives a reference to look back on next year when the calendar tells us it’s 2014!