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February is the month when we are prompted to think about “true love”.  What is true love?  I often hear people speak of love quantitatively as in “I love him/her sooo much”.  I think a much better measure of love is the quality of love rather than the quantity of it.  I notice that too often that love is conditional and causes many problems in relationships, particularly marriage relationships.  “I love him/her so much” often means “I feel good about that person as long as they are treating me as I want to be treated and make me feel good about myself.”

So what is quality, true love?  It is a love that is based on a commitment to do what is best for the other person even if that is difficult to do or is costly.  It is a love that sticks through hard times when the other person may not have anything to offer.  It is a love that forgives without punishing and keeps your heart open in the relationship.   It is a love that is even willing to say difficult things that need to be heard knowing that it may temporarily bring discord or conflict into a relationship.  True love is of course best defined and described by 1 Corinthians 13, the famous love chapter in Scripture.  “Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love  does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”  (I Corinthians 13:4-8).  This love is the love that God demonstrates to all of us daily and ultimately in the gift of His Son to redeem us.  God help us to love more like you!

I recently read the book Redemption by Mike Wilkerson.  It is an excellent read and applicable to anyone, but particularly those struggling with addictions or recovering from abuse.  Wilkerson examines the strategies we grab onto to deal with the pain of abuse or the scars of unhealthy relationships .  Some of these strategies include the typical addictions of drugs, alcohol, pornography, and eating/image disorders.  The book focuses in on these as “idols” ; places of worship in our life where we are trying to find life and fulfillment apart from the only true source of life, God.   He encourages people to move beyond identifying themselves based on an addiction (“I’m an alcoholic”) to finding the true path of life and  identity as a follower of Christ.    The book illustrates this through following the story of the  Israelites in the book of Exodus as they leave slavery, bondage and abuse under Pharaoh and are redeemed by God as He leads them out of Egypt.   The story of the Israelites is used as a model for people today seeking to leave the bondage of their own addictions or patterns of unhealthy behavior.

Christmas is here bringing good cheer…. or is it?  What do the holidays represent to you?  It’s a time of increased busyness,  more social engagements, shopping, and family get togethers.  It can be a time of reflecting on the gift of a Savior coming to live in our world, a time of  reliving and recreating  treasured childhood memories and reconnecting with family and friends.  For some these activities are the most special moments of the year, for others the memories are painful , and the joyous songs of the season only accent feelings of emptiness, depression,  loneliness, or discontent and those social and family gatherings or lack thereof only open old wounds or create new ones.

So what is a healthy way to celebrate the holidays?  Think about and decide what is really important to you?  There is no need to bake, shop or wrap endlessly, address Christmas cards and stress over the cost of the stamps just because that’s the way others do it or even the way you’ve always done it before.  Create traditions and memories that have meaning for you and your family and feel free to say “no” to the rest.  If the holidays accent emotional pain for you, put the day in perspective.  Just because the songs and commercials create expectations of love, harmony and good will to all, this is not the reality for most.  However, perhaps the painful feelings that arise this time of year highlight areas of your life that you do need to tend to the rest of the year.  Loneliness can be a powerful motivator to get connected and involved with new groups or activities.  The pain of strained or broken relationships can be a sign of reconciliation or conversations that need to take place.

For the Christian, Christmas is celebrating the birth of our Savior yet so much of what Christmas has become has very little to do with that.   I recently heard a story that spoke of trying to explain to someone who had never heard of Christmas what Christmas is about. As we are hustling and bustling, cleaning our house, shopping and fighting for parking spots or the shortest cashier line and feeling stressed in the process we tell this person “Christmas is about the infinite God of all creation is entering our world as a baby and coming to live among us and redeem us from our sin.”   “Wow,” they reply, “I would be stressed and busy making preparations as well if I knew that God was coming to live alongside me.”

“For unto us is born this day in the city of David, a Savior who is Christ the Lord”

Merry Christmas!

The holiday of Thanksgiving is a day set aside for us to consider our many blessings (and generally eat too much!).   Incorporating the habit of thankfulness, or gratefulness is always good practice and proven to be good for our mental health.  Gratefulness is focusing on the positive in our life and is the exact opposite of the feeling of depression which is focusing what is wrong in our life or the things we cannot control.  Cultivating the discipline of thankfulness will lead to an improved outlook and a lifted mood.  Thankfulness is a discipline and one that must be exercised like any other discipline in life.  Develop the habit of starting each day with thanksgiving and your depression will start to be replaced by joy.  Each day is a gift and as we waken in the morning we can start by giving  thanks for having another day of life.   End your day the same way; looking for what went right in the day and as these become habits, you will begin to notice improvement in your outlook.  Try keeping a prayer journal to record not only your requests, but also your offerings of thanksgiving.  “Enter His gates with thanksgiving”,  (PS 100:4)

There is growing research that one of the most effective treatments for various mental health disorders, particularly anxiety and depression is to engage in exercise!   Getting out and getting moving is a sure way to have an almost immediate change in your mood.  Exercise as we all know has many benefits in reducing stress and in benefiting our general health and well being.  To gain this effect, the exercise has to be vigorous enough that our attention is focused on what our body is doing.  If I am concentrating on the aerobics teacher , or pedaling up the hill, my mind is not focused on my problems or my stressors .  Developing consistent exercise routines is also helpful in developing those character qualities of self discipline, work ethic , confidence, endurance and learning to push through barriers.   As you discover that your body is capable of more than you knew it was, this is transferred to other areas of life.

So if you’re stressed, depressed or anxious , how do you get out there and get doing it?

Counseling generally has a focus of helping people  become aware of what is going on inside of them;  their feelings, desires and values.  This is certainly a healthy starting point in making decisions and living life.  However when it comes to exercise, on the surface this approach can be counterproductive.  Let’s face it, if you’re laying in a warm bed early in the morning and you ask yourself, “What am I feeling about getting out of bed and going for a jog” it’s not hard to imagine what the answer is.  “I don’t want to”.   To find the motivation, we must get to what is underneath the immediate.  Rather than asking ,”Do I want to  get out of this bed”,   the question to ask yourself is ,” Do I want to be healthy”, or “Do I want to be in shape”, or “Do I want to lose those extra pounds”.  Finding our deeper and longer term desires that are underneath the immediate comfort of a warm bed can help get us moving and developing  a consisitent exercise routine.   If all of this soul searching seems tiring, consider Nike’s effective advertising slogan, don’t think about it too much , “Just do it”.

Setting realistic, short term goals and increasing from there can help the success of an exercise program and prevent discouragement.   Enlisting the help of a personal trainer is also a valuable resource.  And before starting an exercise program, it is always recommended to check with your medical doctor .   So let’s get moving!

What can a couple expect when they enter a therapist’s office for Christian marriage counseling or therapy?  The similarities to any counselor’s office would be that the couple’s patterns of communication, connection and conflict resolution will be explored and practical tools given.  What may be different, is that the Christian marriage counselor will have a belief in the sanctity of marriage and that couples should honor their marital vows and commitments and work to weather storms and stay together.   If a couple view their relationship as a lifetime commitment, they are more likely to persevere through the inevitable rough patches that occur in a marriage.   Exceptions surely exist such as a situation where one spouse is in physical danger or there is disregard to the marital vows.

Christian marriage counseling also be guided by the Biblical truths regarding marriage  as a unique opportunity for a couple to display the unconditional love of God to each other.  The apostle Paul says in Ephesians 5 that marriage uniquely and mysteriously illustrates the relationship between Christ and His Church.  Rather than each member of the marriage being guided by questions such as “How fulfilled am I?”,  “How happy am I”, or, “Could I find someone better?”,  the goals of Christian marriage are to fulfill the calling to love and serve one another and in so doing to glorify God and to display to the world a real life picture of God’s love.    In adopting these goals, the couple does then achieve the joy and fulfillment they  long for.   A Christian marriage therapist not only helps the couple grow in their own communication and ability to connect with each other, but also to move toward these God ordained patterns of marriage.