Anger is a universal emotion, but also quite misunderstood and problematic in relationships. Anger in its most pure form serves a self protective function in allowing one to know that they are being violated in someway or something important to them is being violated. An example of this would be having your phone stolen or watching a kid speak meanly to your child. Your anger affirms “This is not right!” Anger of this sort can motivate action to correct a wrong.
However this is not the type of anger that most commonly causes problems. More often anger functions as a secondary emotion which means that it is layered on top of a more primary emotion. Anger in this form is often covering up hurt or fearor even shame. For example a husband comes home repeatedly late for dinner. His wife lashes out angrily at him or gives him the cold (angry) shoulder. He in turn defends himself by saying “You don’t appreciate how hard I work.” The tone for the evening is set and it is not good. What may really be going on is she is wondering how much of a priority she is to him (hurt) and also fearful about where he is and what may have happened to him. She doesn’t feel comfortable with these vulnerable feelings within herself or in expressing them, so she expresses an angry statement or criticism. He in turn also feels hurt or unappreciated that he is not welcomed warmly when he comes home, so he also responds angrily. The relationship will benefit if both can learn to recognize when their anger is building and take a moment to wonder about what feeling may be underneath it. Learning to express the underlying feeling will soften a relationship as those tender, vulnerable feelings are typically more well received.
Although the above example is basic it does illustrate starting points in anger management. Each person needs to learn to recognize their own signals of anger and take responsibility for how that anger is expressed. Ephesians 4:26 says “be angry, but do not sin, don’t let the sun go down on your anger”. How can we learn to handle our anger more responsibly if it is a problem. We can start with recognizing our own anger as it builds. What does your body tell you when you’re angry? The expression ” I’m seeing red” is used to express flaring anger. It captures the heat or energy often experienced with anger. A hot flushed face, tense shoulders, increased breathing and heart rate are signs that anger is reaching high levels. If anger has been a problem for you, it is necessary to learn to pay attention to anger when it is at lower levels in your body. Then taking some time to physically calm down and seeking to look at the situation and find the underlying emotion typically in the hurt, fear or even shame category will defuse the anger. Expressing those softer feelings rather than anger will lead to much better outcomes in relationship.
If you find yourself repeatedly angry in a certain relationship, again there are probably other feelings underneath, but your anger can also be a sign that there is a problem in the relationship that needs to be addressed. Taking the time to look at anger and expressing it in responsible ways that build rather than destroy relationships is important for all!