So what is quality, true love?  It is a love that is based on a commitment to do what is best for the other person even if that is difficult to do or is costly.  It is a love that sticks through hard times when the other person may not have anything to offer.  It is a love that forgives without punishing and keeps your heart open in the relationship.   It is a love that is even willing to say difficult things that need to be heard knowing that it may temporarily bring discord or conflict into a relationship.  True love is of course best defined and described by 1 Corinthians 13, the famous love chapter in Scripture.  “Love is patient, love is kind.  It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.  It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.  Love  does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.  It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres”  (I Corinthians 13:4-8).  This love is the love that God demonstrates to all of us daily and ultimately in the gift of His Son to redeem us.  God help us to love more like you!

 Many January resolutions are centered around health and fitness changes, however character qualities are also a great focus.  Would you like to be a more gentle person?  Or more patient, or compassionate?  Some people avoid the term goal and instead look for a theme for the year.  “Health,”  “Living in the Moment,” or  ”Joyfulness,” are a few examples.  Whatever approach you take, it is important that you remember change is a process that takes time but that is possible with regular attention and perseverance.

So what is a healthy way to celebrate the holidays?  Think about and decide what is really important to you?  There is no need to bake, shop or wrap endlessly, address Christmas cards and stress over the cost of the stamps just because that’s the way others do it or even the way you’ve always done it before.  Create traditions and memories that have meaning for you and your family and feel free to say “no” to the rest.  If the holidays accent emotional pain for you, put the day in perspective.  Just because the songs and commercials create expectations of love, harmony and good will to all, this is not the reality for most.  However, perhaps the painful feelings that arise this time of year highlight areas of your life that you do need to tend to the rest of the year.  Loneliness can be a powerful motivator to get connected and involved with new groups or activities.  The pain of strained or broken relationships can be a sign of reconciliation or conversations that need to take place. 

For the Christian, Christmas is celebrating the birth of our Savior yet so much of what Christmas has become has very little to do with that.   I recently heard a story that spoke of trying to explain to someone who had never heard of Christmas what Christmas is about. As we are hustling and bustling, cleaning our house, shopping and fighting for parking spots or the shortest cashier line and feeling stressed in the process we tell this person “Christmas is about the infinite God of all creation is entering our world as a baby and coming to live among us and redeem us from our sin.”   “Wow,” they reply, “I would be stressed and busy making preparations as well if I knew that God was coming to live alongside me.” 

“For unto us is born this day in the city of David, a Savior who is Christ the Lord”

Merry Christmas!

• “My problems aren’t THAT big.”
• “I don’t want to start looking at things because I don’t know what else is there.”
• “I’m not crazy.”
• “What will people think?”
• “I don’t want to be weak.”
• “I don’t have time.”
• “I can tough it out.”
• “Sounds like too much work.”
• “My problem is unique and no one can help me.”
• “It sounds like work—why would I want to do that?”

So how do you find a counselor?  One of the best ways is to talk to others who have been in counseling and who have had a satisfying experience.  There are also many referral lists that exist based on specific issues.  Try googling the specific problem you want to address and you will probably find links to specific therapists.  Organizations your trust can also be a good resource in finding a counselor.    Focus on the Family maintains a national counselor referral list,  EMDR Therapy Network has a national listing of therapists trained in EMDR, and  your local church or pastor can also be a good resource. 

When you get to the point of making that first phone call, it’s a good idea to have a list of questions to ask.  Therapists are used to fielding questions about the work they do and many will give a complimentary phone or 30 minute session to help you decide if they are the right therapist for you.  I generally tell clients that once you start counseling with someone it is reasonable to expect from the beginning that you are getting new insights or help in your situation that you didn’t think of before.

(10 reasons people avoid counseling is borrowed from my good friend and skilled therapist Kay Simmeth  www.kaysimmethlmft.com)

So what can you do if you have the winter blues?  Get a light box, if there’s sunlight, get outside , exercise regularly and if this doesn’t help your symptoms consider talk therapy and talking to your doctor about your symptoms.

Christian marriage counseling also be guided by the Biblical truths regarding marriage  as a unique opportunity for a couple to display the unconditional love of God to each other.  The apostle Paul says in Ephesians 5 that marriage uniquely and mysteriously illustrates the relationship between Christ and His Church.  Rather than each member of the marriage being guided by questions such as “How fulfilled am I?”,  “How happy am I”, or, “Could I find someone better?”,  the goals of Christian marriage are to fulfill the calling to love and serve one another and in so doing to glorify God and to display to the world a real life picture of God’s love.    In adopting these goals, the couple does then achieve the joy and fulfillment they  long for.   A Christian marriage therapist not only helps the couple grow in their own communication and ability to connect with each other, but also to move toward these God ordained patterns of marriage.

 So if you’re stressed, depressed or anxious , how do you get out there and get doing it?

Counseling generally has a focus of helping people  become aware of what is going on inside of them;  their feelings, desires and values.  This is certainly a healthy starting point in making decisions and living life.  However when it comes to exercise, on the surface this approach can be counterproductive.  Let’s face it, if you’re laying in a warm bed early in the morning and you ask yourself, “What am I feeling about getting out of bed and going for a jog” it’s not hard to imagine what the answer is.  “I don’t want to”.   To find the motivation, we must get to what is underneath the immediate.  Rather than asking ,”Do I want to  get out of this bed”,   the question to ask yourself is ,” Do I want to be healthy”, or “Do I want to be in shape”, or “Do I want to lose those extra pounds”.  Finding our deeper and longer term desires that are underneath the immediate comfort of a warm bed can help get us moving and developing  a consisitent exercise routine.   If all of this soul searching seems tiring, consider Nike’s effective advertising slogan, don’t think about it too much , “Just do it”. 

Setting realistic, short term goals and increasing from there can help the success of an exercise program and prevent discouragement.   Enlisting the help of a personal trainer is also a valuable resource.  And before starting an exercise program, it is always recommended to check with your medical doctor .   So let’s get moving!

So what makes  therapy Christian?   A starting point would be that the therapist is a Christian and therefore has access to the wisdom and guidance of the Holy Spirit as they work and the additional “counseling tool” of prayer for the client.

Whereas pastoral counseling would be more likely to open the Bible and instruct the counselee through teachings of Scripture and direct advice, the Christian therapist is more likely to use Biblical principles.  The Bible is the ultimate textbook of relationships; what makes them work, what makes them go wrong, and how to reconcile the wrongs.  THe Bible is a book about reconciliation both with God and others.  Many of these principles have been adopted unknowingly by secular therapists, which is why it is certainly possible for a
Christian to find help from secular therapists.  Good Christian therapy however, draws not only on these principles, but as well on a sound understanding of the nature of mankind.  The person who sits before any counselor is first a creation of God and made in His image.  They are also a sinner, one who has diverged from God’s plan of how life is to be lived and is  instead trying to make it on their own.  If the person is a Christian they are also forgiven, have a new life inside, but still have the struggles of the old vs. the new inside.  All of us have been affected by the brokenness of this world and carry various degrees of bruises and bumps from this.  For some this is everyday disappointments, for others it is repetitive abuse, for most it is something in between.  The Christian counselor addresses both the wounds of the person to facilitate the healing process, and also the unique ways these wounds have caused each person to live their life more committed to self protection than to the great commission to love God and others.  As the client examines their life and does the necessary work, there is most often significant personal healing as well as improved relationships with God and others.

check back soon for a discussion on Christian marriage counseling